27

it's 5 am now. he couldn't sleep. he just finished reading on the case study for tomorrow. the team meeting is scheduled tomorrow morning while at 3 pm they will have this chance to discuss further with the program faculty. the topic fascinates him. supply chain management a.k.a "how to beat amazon to it?" interestingly he once have this idea of one day building something to emulate amazon. this is a perfect opportunities to figure out how? exciting.

...

he turned 27 today. being at school, he is surrounded by young group of people everyday. sometimes it does makes him feel older. but most of the time, well not haha. he believe 27 is a very good age to be. not too young and not too old. it feels like being at peak of life. you body is still young but your mind is well... how to put it, developed?  there is a lot of exciting things happening around him. being at states, at one of the best school, competing in microsoft imagine cup, game development conference is coming up etc etc. so much to look forward for. it feels good to be 27 :-)

.....

while having lunch with his fraternity brothers, one of them said something that caught his attention:

"cmu is a place where you find your passion and pursue them"

she was talking about how she found passion in computer network and how cmu provides her all the opportunities and resources to explore them. what she said triggers him. yes, one of the reasons he came to states is to find passion. the question is... did he found it? 

he never really thought about this. but recently he has this sudden burst of interest in game design. the fact is he always had this interest in game development  but at one point he decided programming is not for him that he buried the idea away. at cmu he found the flip side of game development that doesn't require him to be a gifted programmer. yes, game design. he went all the way this time by putting a team together to participate in a competition. so has he found his passion? he is reluctant to answer that question. he prefer to keep the option  open at least for now.

fear

he was playing pool with friends one fine evening. well, let just say he wasn't at his best form. it was a double game and literally he was handing over the game to the opponent. 

a bit frustrated his friend jokingly quoted a famous chinese internet meme saying:

"bu pa shen yi yang de di ren, jiu pa zhu yi yang de dui you"

trans: "i do not fear god-like enemy, but friend like pig"

they had a good laugh that day, letting off some steam from the projects.

but... that quote will always be with him that day onwards.

for what he fear the most is not failure...

but letting his team/people/everyone down... 

coding school

him: i hate this programming project. i sucks!
friend: unfortunately we will going to have 5-6 more of these programming project.
him: damn it!
friend: come on, you're at cmu. it's a coding school. everyone here code.

indeed he is at coding school

good enough

he had lunch chat with his classmate today and the topic were. "being the best"

yes.lame.

anyway, his classmate said something sort of the best statement he heard for the past couple of weeks.

"you know, sometimes you don't need to be the best. because the best is costly. and most of the people can't afford the best. you just need to be good enough"

..., and he couldn't agree more. 

his favourite color

today he faced one of life most challenging question. or at least for him: "what is your favourite color?"

he doesn't have a favourite color, he can't decide on one, he doesn't have any preference and he totally doesn't understand the idea of having one. he believe that if you put it right all of them are beautiful. and it can (and should) change all the time, there are going to be a certain days, mood, occasions or just an act of randomness that you'll pick one over another. in his perspective, people that are obsess with one color i.e. pink is missing a lot in life.

"the smart people change their minds" -jeff bezos

everything is good until something struck him. its not just specific to deciding favourite color is the problem but favourite song, food, movie,... wait. almost everything in life!


***

he had a conversation with his professor the other day (the writer tried to be accurate. but note that this is not an exact transcript).

p: so what make you choose to come here to cmu and usa?
a: i am looking for passion. i constantly changed jobs for the past 3 years in which i did different kind of job from auditing, programming, analyst & project management. i couldn't settle. i believe i haven't found my cup of tea. i hope to find it here.  
p: it seems to me that you like changes. you can't stay doing the same routine. and changes is good. some people hate changes. you should find something that offer variety.

wow perspective. so maybe he tried fixing wrong things all this while. its not about the jobs. never was. its him.

he do something new - he get really excited - he lose interest - he get bored and he look for something new

and guess what. same goes to his hobbies & sports. therefore he is like jack of all trades. know a little bit of everything but nothing in depth. at least now he knows that his creative need variety and constant stimulation to feel happy and satisfied.

MAYBE he need to search for careers that offer a lot of variety, learning and growth. often in new situation, new people. or MAYBE not. only time will tell.

he is a poet

"code is poetry." -by unknown who obviously can code. duh

today he didn't do well in the programming mid term.  so he got a little agitated with all this rainbow quotes that obviously came from the people on the other side of the fence. cliche. 

since his been coding the whole day. and assuming that the above quote is true. he is at least entitled for a little poem by himself;

java are red, eclipse are blue, 

i think i flunk my mid term, platypus.

roses are blue, violets are red,
i suck at poems and java, so let's go to bed.

***

he wonders, how do we reconnect with that small creative child inside of us that doesn't constantly judge our worthiness or compare our work to others?

friend in need is a friend indeed

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be one." -Dale Carnegie

he was always slow in making friends. he put the blames to his shyness, people skills and the fact that he didn't really try . amazingly thou, the one that became friends, stay friends forever. so it was never a problem. it took him almost a year to actually make friends in miri. don't judge just yet. he has a lot of friends. but most of them "yo, how cha doin" friends. till death do us a part friends? yes, a year.

however, over here he can't afford to do the same. friends and families are 12 hours in time difference away (and 20 hours flight away if you're curious). in other words, he sleep when they're awake and vice versa. he needs to lay down the support system. and fast. besides its kind of dull to take on this wonderful journey alone isn't it? ;-)

so he put down some strategies. as such;
1. stay in a fratenity house
2. be active in everything possible, yes everything!
3. be friendly. ofcourse duh
4. join a fratenity - the best decision thus far
5. improve his speaking (if people cant understand you, you aint gonna be friends)

its almost two months now in pittsburgh, thus far the plan seems to work. he feels there are some friends in the making, yay!  it comes with the price of  the most uncomfortable feelings, countless awkward moments and gazillion embarrassing situation. but he is getting better that's for sure :-)